he’s good to me, always has been

this morning I woke up really early. a mix between my huge baby losing room inside my belly, some contractions and the urgency to pee have me waking up at all sorts of hours, lots of times I wish God gave me a snooze button for those things. I looked over next to me to see my husband sleeping soundly, good thing he’s a heavy sleeper or we’d both be awake. I grunted as I tried to sit up gracefully (ha! yea right, I’m mealy 9 months pregnant, nothing is graceful these days) and he didn’t even move. I opened the door without trying to be extra quiet and went to the bathroom, he still didn’t wake up. as I laid back down to return to my dreams (of eating ice cubes and sitting in front of a floor fan most likely) I noticed he was making this annoying hissing sound as he exhaled. I waited for it to pass for a couple minutes, but I’m not patient so it was probably only 5 seconds, and when it didn’t stop…I punched him. I didn’t even gently move his arm to urge him to resettle and change his breathing without fully waking up. Nope. I punched him. and he woke up and all he said was “hi…are you ok?” I don’t know about anyone else but if I was unpleasantly woken up for a not so great reason there might be hell to pay. he gently squeezed my arm and smiled and went back to sleep, and the hissing sound stopped.

I’ve always known my husband was really good to me. he’s gentle, so gentle with me. with his words, his tone of voice and his actions he has taught me to be gentle towards myself. I can remember one of our first dates, I think our second, in August of 2009. we got breakfast and talked about our past mistakes, he laid everything out on the table but I hardly heard him. I heard a soft voice say “this is the man you’ll marry”. and that’s all I needed to know. I obviously didn’t tell him that or he might have thought I was a little bit insane, but I listened and pretended that the words he spoke made me contemplate if we’d have a next date, just to keep him on the edge of his seat. then he said to me something along the lines of “if we’re going to continue seeing each other, I don’t want to kiss you”. Um, do I have a cold sore? No. He wanted to set the standard of respecting my body and learning who I was without any distractions. I nearly cried. No one had EVER been so gentle with me, so patient. and it was just the beginning of our relationship.

As I think about it now, he really set a standard of how he desired to love me, with patience, gentleness and strength. he chased after me and begged me to let him love me when I was too afraid to let him see my ugliness and scars. he waited for me when I left just one month after we met and was gone for six months traveling and learning about God and my heart for missions. he even told me that if I wanted to stay and not come back he wouldn’t stand in my way of Gods calling on my life. and now today, over three years later and 1.3 years of marriage he still smiles after I selfishly punch him bc I think the way he’s breathing in his sleep is annoying.

He’s far too good to me, he always has been. And I think that God uses my husband to show me His love for me too. I hope I never stop recognizing Jesus’s love in my husbands voice and actions.

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