reflections and anticipations

the last month of my pregnancy has been overwhelmed with mixed emotions, nesting, eating!, some pre/prodromal labor, lack of sleep, and…waiting. I think I should compile some reflections aboyt the process of growing another life and the anticipations that I have for when we finally meet. who knows of I’ll get another quiet moment before he arrives that I have the motivation to do this!

reflection on pregnancy:
I wish I had been more gentle on myself. i wish allowed myself to take time for leisurely walks rather than stressing about the need to exercise and ending up not doing it at all. and at the same time I wish I had not given myself a limit for my total weight gain goal. since when has it been the goal of pregnancy to gain as little weight as possible? I’ve been healthy and my body has done and gained what it needed to in order to sustain another life, end of story.

I wish I had used more sassy responses when people said things like “oh my god! you’re huge!!” just once I wished I used the ‘pregnant and sassy’ card to respond with something like, “thanks! so are you!” with a smile and not feel bad about it. or how about when people look at me and say, “still no baby?” maybe this weekend I’ll get the courage to respond with, “oh yea we had him a couple days ago, we didn’t announce it because its not a big deal. we didn’t feel like bringing him out either so we left him home alone. and this is obviously my post-partdum body”. the list is endless of the responses I have missed out on, I wish I had used them more to humor myself abbot the comments I’ve heard rather than getting upset in the moment.

I wish I never took a labor class. that’s an odd reflection, but it’s true. it stressed me out so much to watch videos of babies heads crowning, the visualization of that pain was probably something I could have lived without. maybe I’m just crazy, but we didn’t find the classes too helpful, especially because my husband decided to turn into a 12 year old and crack jokes the while time…doesn’t he know how serious this is?! 😉

I wish I had written in our baby’s journal more about my honest feelings of carrying him around 24/7 for nine months through work, school, stress and joy.

anticipations:

I can’t wait to count his tiny little alien fingers and toes!!

I can’t wait to see who he looks like and to announce his name to our family and friends.

I can’t wait to breastfeed and take are of his needs outside of my belly.

I can’t wait to say that I survived labor, and to know that he was worth it.

I can’t wait to sleep on my stomach!!! and for my body to start the healing process so we can eventually take him on adventures and I can wear normal clothes in public. all very selfish anticipations but so real.

here’s to our final countdown: we can’t wait to meet you baby, you are so loved already. I think we’re “ready” for you (whatever that means)

he’s good to me, always has been

this morning I woke up really early. a mix between my huge baby losing room inside my belly, some contractions and the urgency to pee have me waking up at all sorts of hours, lots of times I wish God gave me a snooze button for those things. I looked over next to me to see my husband sleeping soundly, good thing he’s a heavy sleeper or we’d both be awake. I grunted as I tried to sit up gracefully (ha! yea right, I’m mealy 9 months pregnant, nothing is graceful these days) and he didn’t even move. I opened the door without trying to be extra quiet and went to the bathroom, he still didn’t wake up. as I laid back down to return to my dreams (of eating ice cubes and sitting in front of a floor fan most likely) I noticed he was making this annoying hissing sound as he exhaled. I waited for it to pass for a couple minutes, but I’m not patient so it was probably only 5 seconds, and when it didn’t stop…I punched him. I didn’t even gently move his arm to urge him to resettle and change his breathing without fully waking up. Nope. I punched him. and he woke up and all he said was “hi…are you ok?” I don’t know about anyone else but if I was unpleasantly woken up for a not so great reason there might be hell to pay. he gently squeezed my arm and smiled and went back to sleep, and the hissing sound stopped.

I’ve always known my husband was really good to me. he’s gentle, so gentle with me. with his words, his tone of voice and his actions he has taught me to be gentle towards myself. I can remember one of our first dates, I think our second, in August of 2009. we got breakfast and talked about our past mistakes, he laid everything out on the table but I hardly heard him. I heard a soft voice say “this is the man you’ll marry”. and that’s all I needed to know. I obviously didn’t tell him that or he might have thought I was a little bit insane, but I listened and pretended that the words he spoke made me contemplate if we’d have a next date, just to keep him on the edge of his seat. then he said to me something along the lines of “if we’re going to continue seeing each other, I don’t want to kiss you”. Um, do I have a cold sore? No. He wanted to set the standard of respecting my body and learning who I was without any distractions. I nearly cried. No one had EVER been so gentle with me, so patient. and it was just the beginning of our relationship.

As I think about it now, he really set a standard of how he desired to love me, with patience, gentleness and strength. he chased after me and begged me to let him love me when I was too afraid to let him see my ugliness and scars. he waited for me when I left just one month after we met and was gone for six months traveling and learning about God and my heart for missions. he even told me that if I wanted to stay and not come back he wouldn’t stand in my way of Gods calling on my life. and now today, over three years later and 1.3 years of marriage he still smiles after I selfishly punch him bc I think the way he’s breathing in his sleep is annoying.

He’s far too good to me, he always has been. And I think that God uses my husband to show me His love for me too. I hope I never stop recognizing Jesus’s love in my husbands voice and actions.